Monday 11 October 2010

Who Am I?

I haven't written a blog post in a while...and now I have internet and I'm back. BUT, wanting to write a more meaningful post.

After listening to Casting Crown's 'Who Am I' - it made me think. Who am I? Why am I in Preston? Why am I so different to how I was 10 years ago? I know why...and I thought I'd share.

This is why....

I was born back in June 1990 to Christian parents. I had an older sister and an older brother, and was taken to church every Sunday. I grew up with the Bible stories, and assumed because my parents were Christians and I went to church and knew all the answers in Sunday school - I was too. How I was mistaken. When I was about 4-5 years old, I remember watching my sister at the front of church, giving her testimony, and being baptised. And I realised that being a Christian meant a whole lot more than getting a 'Parents pay, children go free' pass. It was an individual choice.

Years went by and I would have my ups and downs. I would have moments where I'd ask my parents how to become a Christian, and what it meant, and others where I'd struggle with it.

One easter in 2004, I went to a conference in Pwllheli, and at one of the meetings, I was told that Jesus died for our sins, my sins - and that when God looks at us, he sees us as alive and sees Jesus, or dead as ourselves. I didn't want to be dead, I wanted Jesus to come into my heart and change me. I didn't like my life of rebelling against God. I didn't like knowing I was upsetting him. I didn't like knowing God saw me as dead, despite the fact that Jesus had died for me. I gave my life to Jesus as soon as I returned home.

However, it seemed knowing God had suddenly restricted my freedom, and stopped me from having fun. Not being able to go to friends' parties on a Sunday afternoon, I had to reject playing in adult county badminton competitions because they played on Sundays. This annoyed me. High school did not help me feel any better...everyone knew me as the token Christian. I was bullied...for this, and for other things. Bullied from year 7 to year 11 by the same people. And I always wondered why God would do these things to me. I backslid. I got angry, I refused to go to any evening services, and I wanted to do things my own way. Then we changed church, and again, I was wondering why God would do such a thing...I had friends at my home church, and I knew no one at this new one which was 30 minutes drive away.

Two years later, I had been involved with the new church as little as possible. I refused to go to evening services still and had refused any offers of meeting new people at the youth club. Until the church week away came about. My parents had booked us up, and I was being thrust into hanging out with these people for a whole week! After the week, I was talking to more people, making friends, having fun. When we got home, my brother had told me that the youth club was going away on their week away so I phoned up the leader and asked if I could come, and the answer was yes. I spent another week hanging out with my friends, and there, I spent more time learning about the Bible and having that relationship with God. I remembered that I had given my life to Jesus, and that he hadn't moved...I had.

I spent the next two years going along to the evening services, and to the youth club. I loved socialising there, but I also loved learning more about my God. These two years also had the exodus of the school bullies, leaving me with some of the best friends ever in the two years of 6th form. I still hadn't told my parents about me becoming a Christian and that I was loving it - even 4 years on. My youth leader and I had conversations about this, I wanted to be baptised, but I had to tell my parents! But I was nervous about them making a huge deal out of it! I prayed for the opportune moment. Then came uni open days. My dad drove me up to Preston, and we looked around, saw a little display of the CU, and saw some church leaflets - and I loved the uni and city. As we were returning home, my dad asked me where I was church wise. I knew this was that opportune moment. I told dad everything. I cried...I was so happy that he knew. I told my mum when I got back - and they took it well! They had told me they had noticed differences in my character, such as not being so angry, being more laid back, thinking of others, just generally being nicer to hang out with. This wasn't me...this was Jesus in me. I'm a sinner saved by grace, and I was so happy. My parents knew...now I had to pluck the courage to tell my pastor. Three months later, I prayed for the opportune moment again so when he was on his own, and I look around just after my prayer and what did I see? Yes, my pastor on his own. I got up and told him. Suddenly there was a date, time and I was finally publicly displaying my relationship with God.

This was in May 2008. I moved to uni soon after - and since then God has been so gracious to me by providing me with amazing friends, an amazing church and an amazing CU, and a pretty good course! Since being bullied, I have found it so difficult to meet new people...but somehow I was able to abandon those restrictions and meet people - and I'm glad I did. The church has provided me with amazing teaching, which has been making me grow and grow deeper in my relationship with God. The Bible studies have been great, and being able to link the Old Testament to the New, and being able to see that the Old Testament points to Jesus! It's all about Jesus, and everything I do is for his glory. I struggle with this often...I wake up and think of myself, I go to sleep and think of myself...and everything in between, I think of myself. Thankfully, in His great mercy - when God sees me, he sees His son, Jesus...the perfect, spotless, sinless heir. My sins have been taken by Jesus...and they have been paid for. Jesus bore the wrath of God for those sins, and he still loves me. More than my parents could ever. In church this evening, the Bible speaks of how sinners can provide good gifts for their children - but what about God?? He loves us so much more, and can give us so much more. He gives us his Spirit, he lives in us! This was a great reminder of how gracious God is. He is a just God, and he loves me so much. And I will continue to live and speak for Him.

Looking back I can see why God had planned the change in church. My new church led me back to Him with a new found passion and vigour. I can see why God made Preston look so great...being involved with CU and All Saints had led me into a deeper relationship with my Father. And I can see how different I was before I was a Christian...and it's not my own doing, it's the result of Jesus coming into my life and transforming me...my repentance and turning away from the sinful life I had been living. And being involved in these two new churches has helped me stay on this path.

Please pray for me to be reminded of this day by day. Today might be the day Jesus returns.